Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings. Hearing that didn’t sit well with me, especially since I’ve been pondering the question in the title for quite some time.
I’ve always been quite critical of myself and don’t consider myself a very nice person. When I discover that someone doesn’t enjoy being around me, I don’t blame them one bit. It’s not like I’m intentionally mean or abusive; quite the opposite, actually. I have very strong morals. However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don’t conform to many social norms expected of me.
Despite all of this, I have deep relationships with several people and especially the elderly and for example the parents of my past girlfriends have all liked me a lot. But I can’t help but wonder why they don’t see me as I see myself. I worry that I’m hiding the true me so well that people don’t actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain. Then again, a true psychopath probably wouldn’t be second-guessing themselves in this manner.
Surely asking random people on the Internet to diagnose you with a personality disorder is the best way to go about things…
I haven’t asked for diagnosis. I’m asking wether other people feel this way.
As people are saying, a true psychopath might not even question themselves. That said, it is probably a spectrum and we all may have such tendencies - and I mean like 100% of the population, as a shared human condition, to lie somewhere on that spectrum. It seems a good thing to me to examine myself in that manner and maybe dial down, or perhaps even dial up, those things. Especially when others misuse the words, twisting them to suit their own perspectives - e.g. calling someone “unstable” if they want to escape them, the abuser.
Also there are generational differences, and even generational (and other) traps - e.g. a lot of older MAGA parents in the midwestern USA have been abandoned by their children, who want to do things like “take the vaccine” (which I chose to highlight the discussion since it is a decision involving fully literal life-and-death consequences, plus also likelihood of permanent brain damage, which is what we now know long-covid to be), so in such cases is it truly the children who are being “unstable” and “aggressive” to leave, or rather the fault of the parents who attempt to force their christofacist belief structures onto their children, leaving no room in the latter to have their own thoughts or desires?
These are complex, weighty matters, and won’t be resolved quickly, but are good to think about regardless.
Well I wasn’t going to comment because I thought everyone here was going to say “you’re describing everyone we all feel that way” but I guess not haha
Everything you said in your original post is something I’ve said when describing myself to my SO or friends. I’ve been called condescending and I’ve worked very hard to not be that way. Sometimes when I start hanging out with someone new or get a new coworker I can tell by first impressions they aren’t going to like me. Nowadays I can usually turn it around but in the past I would just try not to bother them. People will say “why do you hate me?” and it will catch me off guard because I dont feel that way at all.
I’m also told I can be very argumentative. I get that less now as I am more aware of it, but people who know me know that I am passionate about my opinions.
I don’t have any advice besides thank people who give you feedback. Being yourself doesn’t mean not working on your social skills, they can be trained like anything else. I’ve definitely learned better habits, I have more and closer friends through years of work and introspection.
Also you are not a psychopath and there isn’t anything wrong with you. Most likely your social type isn’t the majority and you have to work a bit harder to gel with the mainstream. Its just something to be aware of. I often feel like my '“true self” is hidden from others, so I try to be as real as possible with my SO and my closest friends.
I relate to this. People who know me know that my thoughts and the things I say can be quite challenging. I’ve never been one to simply accept what’s considered acceptable. I always question everything, I’m always thinking about how things can change and be different.
I’m always hoping to help people see what can improve their lives, but sometimes it’s not our place to say things or do things to help other people like that. A lot of people don’t want someone who can see their weakness and try to show them a way to improve, it’s demeaning and insulting to most people.
I’ve always tried to have a positive outlook on constructive criticism, but what constitutes constructive criticism and something further is a lot different for one person than it is for the next.
Also, I should clarify that sometimes what we think is the right path to solving an issue isn’t always the right path for someone at all. It’s a huge presumption to think that we can analyze a person’s life and make the best choices for them. Heck, I can hardly even do that with my own life, let alone someone else’s.
Hey, not diagnosing or anything, but maybe give my other comment a once-over and see if it resonates at all.
It’s almost a guarantee that I have some form of ADHD.
Just out of curiosity; When you say you always speak the truth, is that truth you speak always something negative?
No, it means I don’t say things that are untrue. If I can without lying avoid saying what I know someone doesn’t want to hear I prefer to do that. But if you ask for my opinion you’re going to get it.
Username checks out?
This was a eyebrow raise too.
Yeah, there’s an important distinction between genuine honesty and an asshole who “just tells it like it is”.
Also a difference between “always tells the truth” and “always says all of what’s on their mind”.
Like if someone asks if they look good in an outfit , there’s a very large range of truthful replies. Some are more hurtful than others.
Psychopaths don’t unknowingly manipulate.
You’ll be surprised to hear this is often not the case
No. I have not thought that.
No, brcause I’m a total doormat who always caters to everyone else’s needs before my own. Which is the opposite of a narcissist. I wish I could be. It seems more liberating than what I’m doing now.
Then again, what little self esteem I have is predicated on being able to cater to other people’s needs - even my job is customer support.
I’d flip to being a user in a heartbeat if only I could.
Not to be an armchair psychologist over here (you should probably see a therapist) but it sounds more like autism, not psychopathy.
You’re probably right - or atleast less wrong. I don’t really think it’s psychopathy either.
“To be autistic is to be misunderstood”
I have ASD and I have historically worried about the same thing, as has my sister. From the outside ASD and psychopathy can look similar to untrained eyes. The biggest “tell” is how you feel (or dont feel) inside.
I recommend looking into Autistic Masking to see if that explains the “alter ego” you seemed to describe earlier.
While you’re researching this, I will tell you that autism is probably the one thing where you will have better luck listening/talking to other autistic people than to just read data from something like the DSM-5. There are a lot of YouTube people with various profiles of autism and I have had far better luck learning from them and an autistic friend than anything clinical.
There are also different profiles of ASD. The main ones are:
- Classic Autism
- Asperger’s (now called HFA or High Functioning Autism, but there is still a LOT of info out there from when it was still called Asperger’s)
- PDA or Pathological Demand Avoidance So be sure to check out all of them before thinking you aren’t just because one doesn’t fit. I thought I wasn’t autistic for YEARS because I did not know the right profile.
Long story short, ASD is HUGE and largely not understood. If you have questions, shoot me a message. As you look around, I’m sure you’ll learn about Autistic Special Interests. Psychology and especially ASD are mine, so I’m happy to
rantteach about it forever.Good luck in your journey!
Sounds like the absolute worst version of imposter syndrome. You doubt everything you are and believe because you might have some sort of mental illness. Not knowing what that mental illness is you assume the worst possible one.
Oof. Don’t worry. You’re just who you are. All your accomplishments are real. All your values are valid. Anyone can feel gaslit, honestly memory itself is very shaky. For example tell me exactly what you did 12 days ago. Tell me what you had for lunch.
If it’s still bugging you just go talk to a therapist. Every person, mentally well or not should see a therapist at least once. There is no shame in exploring your pysche.
Yes. But then I remember I’m not smart enough to do that.
With a name like Thorny_Insight, I imagine you’ve already accepted and internalized the possibility that your internally critical mindset is equally external. This doesn’t make you evil, it doesn’t make you awful to be around, it just means that you have embraced the personality that you currently question, even if it isn’t who you truly are.
The world is becoming a very different place and the personality you have is one which is constantly questioned by people that think what is good is conformity and acceptance of anything and everything. There is no reason you need to conform or accept everything at face value.
I choose to handle this by not interacting with people.
I’ve had similar concerns about myself. I’ve started therapy and found out that I’m suffering from toxic shame - something originating in childhood, developing as you age, and comprehensively modifying behavior in adulthood to include masking, dissociation, lack of emotional connection, inhumanly strong moral guidelines/standards, etc. I’d suggest at least looking up the concept of toxic shame. Also, give yourself some credit and some love; whatever the cause, it’s almost certain that your behavioral patterns were set by forces outside of your control and it sounds like you’ve managed it well
are you sure it isn’t autism
Or complex PTSD. That’s what I have and the two have a TON of behavioral overlap. My therapist and I spent a good amount of time determining if I was autistic or not.
Is there a name for that kind of PTSD?
im interested in that. I have every symptom of every type of retardation
I was about to say the same thing, I have literally had this exact thought process and last year got diagnosed…
Maybe it’s maybelline maybe it’s ASD.
Feel free to message me if you have questions, I’m dealing with it all at the moment :/
Maybe look into being tested for ASD. This isn’t uncommon amongst us.
