Ten minutes ago, I was watching the moon while listening to music. Specifically, “My Castle Town” by Toby Fox. And I just started crying. Tears of joy. I realized just how much I enjoy living. The pretty view of The Moon, the beautiful melody…
I never had any bad things happen to me. I love my parents because they are loving and kind, no trauma whatsoever, had depression once but I sent it away shortly. Lots of hospital visits though. But nothing serious. No girlfriends, no love pains etc.
I have basically nothing in my hands right now. But I’m always able craft new hobbies when I run out of them. By the mere power of imagination. In fact, I’m looking to learn French now because English was easy as fuck.
But while I enjoy life very much, I realize that I begin to distance myself from those that do not think the same. For instance, one of my friends never takes any joy from anything that he does. Say; complains about not having a girlfriend, being ugly etc. etc. He’s the most handsome person I’ve ever seen in person. And girls just straight up lust over him. Yet, he insists on focussing on the negative. Which makes zero sense to me. Why is he ruining his own life by refusing to see the good?
Now I do realize that most people are not as lucky as me to be with absolutely no problems in their lives. However, I had the “basic” set of problems that men my age have. Those being:
- Like a girl but she rudely refuses you (or even insults)
- Argue with parents
And my “friends” are always so offended by these problems all they do is complaining about them non-stop. One even tried to kill himself over a girl. I genuinely can’t warp my head around this. Why? When I encountered these things I never cared or at worst deluded my way out.
Why can’t people just sit down and appreciate life? When I’m sitting down waiting for something, the mere ability to move my limbs seems fascinating to me. I get out of so many things.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean any of this as seeing myself above others. (Although I do have a massive ego.)
Meanwhile, I will watch the Moon.
It all begins how humans, who are supposedly capable of choosing things, didn’t chose to be born. All of a sudden, we’re here, and we’re strapped to a web of hypocrisy, lies, duties, obligations, etc. We’re constantly expected to lie to people and to ourselves, we can’t be sincere, we can’t be true all the times.
For example: take a job interview, can one really sincerely answer “why do you want to work here/for us?” when they’re struggling to find a job? The true answers (“I don’t wanna starve” / “I’m not getting to find a job so, please?” / “I need money to… Survive, I guess?”) will straightforwardly dismiss them as a candidate. They’re supposed to say “beautiful” things.
There are these societal rules, invisible rules: they’re not written anywhere, they weren’t decreed anywhere, we’re simply “expected” to follow them on a daily basis, or we’ll suffer the consequences from not following these invisible rules.
There’s this constant and hidden struggle to find out how other humans want us to be in order to be allowed to continue to “participate in society” (something that lacks alternatives, i.e. I’m forbidden of turning myself into an hermit and going to live alone amidst the woods, because I’m expected to be a citizen within the constraints of the civilization, I need to pay for food and pay for shelter, so I need to work to be paid, but I often need to pay to work).
While we struggle with it, we see how birds can fly unconstrained. Sure it’s certainly not easy to be a bird, but have you seen a bird carrying dollar bills? Or perhaps some electricity bills? Maybe carrying their IDs and visas (because they’re crossing countries everytime)? Have you seen birds having to take the bus/train/car and spend hours to arrive at their workplace, just to have to constantly lie, be a cog inside some invisible machine, and behave hypocritically with their coworkers and bosses? They have no job, and they survive through Mother Nature’s wealthy. So, as humans, we’re chained to ourselves, whether you can see it or not.
Your same moon remembers me of Lilith. Remembers me on how She is the archetype of untamed freedom. It’s not something attainable in this world, it’s not something attainable while we’re chained to ourselves from since we were born. Untamed freedom is not something mundane, it’s beyond this life, it’s beyond this existence. That’s why I often want to be caught by Her owl wings in Her majestic flight and be flown eternally beyond the fabric of the spacetime. I imagine myself in this very flight whenever I see the moon. A flight to the real freedom, unconstrained from this mundane “prisoners dilemma” where we are both our own prisoners and our own guards. I don’t enjoy life, because I can’t cope with my lack of real choices, especially the choice of coming into the existence.
Good for you that you can extract any joy out of it. Good thing you can grasp any “happiness” within this world. Unfortunately, it’s not a one-size-fits-it-all thing, you know.