The past few weeks have been what the ancient Chinese would reportedly have called “interesting times”.

The hardware for the new server at work has finally arrived and been installed after seven weeks, so now I’m super busy setting everything up. It’s a Hyper-V host with a Windows terminal server, a Linux Jitsi server and a FreeBSD web/VPN server (because of reasons), and of course everything works except the Windows server won’t talk to the DC in the same subnet until both firewalls are completely disabled, which isn’t really an option for internet-facing machines. This is not going to be good for my mental health.

I fear that my older stepdaughter is heading towards a depression fast - she’s been under a lot of pressure lately, and she’s showing all the signs. She desperately wants to see a therapist but the earliest appointment we could get so far is in January. Hopefully SO and me will find a way to stabilize her and take some of the pressure off.

Other than than I’ve used this week to not to much, walk the dogs when it’s not raining and re-read a couple of books that I’m particularly fond of.
I’ve finally started a small project that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time - a doggy stick library (basically a wooden board with small shelves where dogs can ‘borrow’ sticks). It’s coming along nicely and I can’t wait to put it up at that place where lots of dog owners start their evening round. I hope it’ll brighten someone’s day.

My sister-in-law from Argentina is visiting us. I wish we could chat more. My Spanish still leaves a lot to be desired, and she speaks a (to my ears) particularly difficult ‘Spanish’. But it’s still good to have her here, she’s pleasant company and a great cook.

I keep having anxiety attacks whenever I decide to look/apply for jobs. I am so tired and I don’t feel that I even have the right to complain about it because so many people have worse than me. Knowing I have to humiliate myself to recruiters also doesn’t help. I hate this.

Hosting some dear friends this weekend, just finished up the rehearsal/performance process of a staged reading for an incredible piece last weekend. Feeling fortunate and heartfull. Excited about cooking for my friends and watching lots of scary movies! And karaoke will definitely be happening at some point. Hope everyone has a great week!

Realized there’s only one week left of October already and bought a bunch of pumpkin, squash, and pears I saw on discount to get more into the autumn mood and make some spooky recipes. I’ve been trying to transition into completely plant-based cooking at home but I’ve never been a huge red meat person anyways. Never knew that canned chickpea juice could be used to make a meringue!

I’ve been trying to appreciate the smaller things more and reduce my negative attitude. Lately I’ve been trying to ease into more mini trips around my area like a tourist since I’ve felt pretty stagnant and paralyzed mentally for awhile. Haven’t been to a symphony in awhile so I’m looking forward to seeing Holst’s The Planets. First time hearing that piece live.

sfsafasfsaf

A little thing. I had a rest day today. Read my book. Watched some old tv. Felt sad but managed to get myself out for a walk. I am so terrified of slipping back into depression I struggle to rest. But I stopped and looked at my to-do list I made for the weekend and I did it all. And I rested.

Just wanted to write that down so I remember it’s ok

It’s been a long week. Quarterly reporting time so I haven’t really stopped. It’s been good though, very productive. I went to a show last night which was great fun, just what I needed.

Also finally found a form of fibre craft that I can do- loom knitting. Makes such a difference to not have to rely on hand eye coordination, turns out mine is worse than I thought! So looks like the baby hat will be ready for my niece after all.

On day 8 out of 8 in a row at work. Got 3 days off starting tomorrow and Cities Skyline 2 to dig into.

It’s going. I’m really tired of working in IT and I want an exit from this career field so bad. I’ve been doing this since 1995 and IT has become the bane of humanity. In the '90s we all had pie in the sky dreams about the ways we were going to make the world better with computers and programming, and it’s just turned into lots of complicated ways to take money from people.

I learn languages very easy so I’m going to go to a local community college and just start taking language classes. I can speak three languages right now, but for the next semester I’m going to go back and take Latin. That will give me a reading boost for Spanish, Italian, and French.

Will I ever do anything with it? Who knows. But I’m so tired of IT that I am almost thinking about going to the airport and working a ramp job.

This week is going great actually. I’m on a beeline for graduation this December and so I’ve mostly got my head down currently. Hoping to get admitted into grad school to keep going after this.

Some interesting things about my week: I spent most of yesterday modeling aquifers and aquifer systems. I know most people probably don’t know much about aquifers or how they work but it’s a lot more complicated than being an underground lake.

And anxiety is getting to me about graduation. Mostly because of family. Half of which do not know I’m bisexual and are pretty homophobic, so I’m thinking it won’t be worth it to have my boyfriend in attendance. Which is really rough on me. I know I should just tell them and they can pound sand if they don’t like it, but at the same time I don’t see them often and it puts my bf in an awkward spot. So he’s urging me to just let him stay home so he doesn’t have to be around that. And that’s a lot to process. I’m also inviting my dad who hasn’t talked to me since May when he found out. Who knows if he will show up.

And before anyone worries too much, I’m not like heartbroken about this. Homophobia just confuses me. All I can do is mitigate its effects but I’m always very confused why I even have to deal with it.

I’m on a road trip for my partners father’s wedding that was on Saturday. We road tripped from the west coast to the Michigan and we’ll be leaving tomorrow morning to get back home at the end of the week.

I miss my dog <3 I’ve been having a good time though, despite the lack of sleep and extra aches

chuck (foster dog) got his stitches out last wendesday. he came to the office with me on thursday morning, ate lunch with my coworkers and me outside, and then we headed out to meet a family. he was so tired by the end of the day. and the best news: he is going to his new home on wednesday evening! they already have a ramp from their last dog, a large fenced-in yard, and they want to play ball and go on walks with him. i couldn’t dream of a better match. 🥰

i have been (lazily) looking for a new place to do yoga, and i took a class friday evening that was great! very chill, not hot yoga, and adaptable/calm. so many places around here are GET RIPPED, HOT YOGA, WORK YOUR BOOTY OFF, which is not at all what i want in a yoga class. i want to relax, do a lil’ strength and balance work, then spend 5-10 minutes laying quietly. i bought a 2-week intro membership, and i’ll probably end up with their 4 classes/month plan, since i can’t imagine i’ll go more often than that.

my old roomie/friend and one of my other friends had their wedding reception party after eloping across the country a little while back. my ex was there, and it was really validating to know i made the right choice. i don’t think i would have been happy with him where he is in life now. but also: his new girlfriend is super cool! i want to be friends with her, haha.

i have got a zillion social events available to me this weekend. hoping i can make most of them!

I’ve started playing MTGO again because it’s too hard to get together with my playgroup as often as I’d like. I’ve been lucky enough to find some nice groups of players lately.

We’re relocating at work, and I’m so done with it already. Some people should just work from home while we’re doing this imo because all they do is complain and add anxiety to an already stressful situation.

Autumn is coming around and I’m realising very quickly that my existing autumn wardrobe is really not gender affirming :(

I’m going to try to order a bunch of new clothes and really take my time thinking about what I want and need. Scariest thing is definitely getting clothes that I can wear to work because my coworkers don’t know I’m nonbinary and I’ve been especially closeting myself in terms of clothing and accessories. I’m not sure if I’m ready for the conversation but I’m also noticing that I’ll soon hit a point where presenting masc every day will just break me.

Advice is definitely appreciated. I really don’t like where I’m at rn but at the same time I also feel like a coward for being afraid to change anything.

Just got back from my trip to Chicago and wow I really enjoyed the vibe there. I live in the Pacific Northwest and it’s so different! The cta was so convenient (even though the ticket machines wouldn’t take any of my cards so I couldn’t buy a day pass). The architecture was really interesting and the locals were pretty friendly. I would like to return and spend more time exploring, as I only had one day proper to spend in the city.

Back home now and we’re starting a cold snap and the heat in my building still hasn’t been turned on. I feel like I’m in a Dickens novel huddling over my desk and blowing on my fingers to thaw them.