I’m gonna be honest, I’m not asking for a friend, I’m asking for myself. Our daughter (24) married this man (65) in September. She herself stated money was the main reason, and he knows it but it doesn’t bother him. Both my husband & I are having a very hard time getting used to the idea.
I’ll add one thing to other’s responses. Make sure she, not they, but she is covered financially. If she spends 10 years with him, not developing her career, and he drops her, will she be OK?
I.E. its perfectly OK for them to have this arrangement, it’s not OK for her to be in a situation where she feels trapped by money.
Bahaha dude u realized she “trapped” herself in that scenario?
How did we get to a place where people don’t deserve the consequences of their actions?
She only “deserves this” if it makes her rich???
Do u see how fucked in the head you are for thinking that?
How is “make sure she has a backup plan” anything at all like what you said?
That’s someone who is mad because they can’t marry someone for money and no one wants to buy pictures of their feet.
Hey, I’m mad about those things but that doesn’t mean I’m out here being an asshole about it…
Have you tried selling pictures of your feet? A lot of folks are mad that they can’t but they haven’t even tried yet.
But, to be honest, I’m pretty sad that I couldn’t marry for money. I would have made an amazing trophy husband in my youth.
I’m kinda glad I couldn’t marry for money when I was younger. I’ve been in a place where I would’ve and a gilded cage still traps you. I think by my age I’d’ve been miserable like that. Now sex work? Main reason I never picked up that side hustle is I can’t advertise for shit and trying sounds awful, and knowing people like me who’ve done it I don’t think it would’ve caused me nearly the issues of gold digging.
I totally get it, and the truth is that none of us really know how we’d react if it’s not us in the situation. We can only guess.
I’d like to think being ridiculously wealthy wouldn’t change me but we all see how most rich folks act. I’d like to think I’d spend my time in that gilded cage gaining skills and stocking up on money so that once I’m free I’ll have a life of relative ease. However, I don’t know that and I suspect I’d have done nothing of the sort. But it’s nice to dream.
We don’t like your kind around here.
Go somewhere else.It was the tween-like dialect, wasn’t it?
It’s the fact that he sounds like one of those incels who gets really upset by the idea that sex work and mutually agreeable transactional relationships shouldn’t end in the financially benefiting side getting cheated out of what they agreed on
Somehow reading your comment managed to actually make me stupider.
A transactional relationship shouldn’t end in one party pulling the rug out.
But also, her parents should be largely concerned with her happiness and stability.
u
people don’t deserve the consequences of their actions?
That’s a glass house.
She’s an adult and I assume she’s mentally capable. Just support her and when/if she ever regrets her decision, she’ll have you around to lean on.
If you openly hate on her decision or shame her for it, you’re only going to drive her away or make her even more firm in her choice.
I’m with you with everything except for the regret part. Some decisions have consequences that you can’t just get over. Life ruining consequences that follow you for the rest of your life. This probably isn’t it, but as an adult you need to take responsibility for making those decisions without expecting daddy and mommy to always pull you out.
I’m not sure how you interpreted my comment to mean that “Mommy and Daddy” would need to pull her out. I only suggested they be there with love and not shame so she doesn’t stop speaking to them.
I interpreted it as you implying that if shit hits the fan, her parents have to pick up the pieces. You’re right though, parents should be there with support, not to shame their children.
I don’t really interpret their comment as saying that the parents will pick up the pieces, rather just not laughing in her face and saying “I told you so get fucked”
Which is a pretty far cry from being there for your child while they pick up the pieces
She’s not underage and the husband knows the deal. I would make sure she has a back up (a man is not a plan). Make sure she has a job/career to fall back on, and if she’s stay-at-home, see if she gets any kind of money from her husband on a regular basis that she can put into her own savings. Other than that? Hopefully the wedding was bomb.
I’ll be very blunt: it’s her life and her decision. There is nothing to ‘manage’. You either accept it or you don’t, but if you don’t, there’s a good chance you will lose her.
I agree with you, I think OP means manage in the sense of managing themselves in this situation they clearly don’t like, not their daughter.
Yeah true, I think you’re right. In that regard: I think it’s all about acceptance.
I mean… are you shocked?
Parents raise their kids with a bare system of values and morals. It’s one of the reasons why racism is “hereditary”.
You raised her to be the person she is, or at the very least you allowed her to become the person she is.
she’s 24 years old, an adult (lacking wisdom). It’s too late for you to tell her, “whoa! pump the brakes!”
accept her decision. acknowledge the reasons why. support her when she needs you. These are the ways a parent responds when their adult child moves forward in life.
if you decide to betray that trust, it may only serve to drive a wedge and isolate her from you so far that you won’t be able to support or guide her when it actually matters.
Adult people are entitled to make their own decisions under the FAFO maxim.
Your opinion on it is just that, an opinion. As far as idiotic shit to do, this is mid tier. You still got your daughter etc. focus on that.
Idiotic? This is a low tier mistake. Everyone wins regardless. The only thing she loses is the ability to marry someone her age and enjoy youthful things together with them. Just because she’s married doesn’t mean she can’t go off on her own to have fun.
You are assuming there won’t be a negative externality resulting from this behavior, I give you 99% chance there will be issues.
Half the people can’t maintain “normal” marriage with proper “feels” lol
In that case, at worst she walks from the marriage with nothing more than she entered into it with. Mundane daily issues are going to hit all relationships, so I don’t think that’s something to worry about. Conservatively, he divorces her and she walks with half of the investment income he accrued during the marriage. At best, she walks with half. That doesn’t take into consideration that she’ll have most certainly gotten (or shared) a car, a house, and food paid for the duration.
This is very transaction approach, I don’;t think human relationships work like this even in pure business situations tbh
Maybe that’s just me.
Every relationship had a mental cost, some good and so not so good.
How much money we talking about
My cynical view on this situation is the pros are 1) she’s fast-tracking home ownership for a generation that generally expects to not own homes, 2) she’s securing financial stability during the traditionally least financially stable era of adult life, 3) working as a paid live-in caregiver pays significantly little comparatively and it is damn hard work, 4) she may have plans on marrying for love later. She’s still maturing, so having a starter marriage that’s lucrative may not be a totally terrible idea.
Honestly at the end of the day, you want her to be happy, right? If she’s walked into this with eyes wide open, considered all the cons and still found the arrangement preferable, is it really the end of the world? What would your feelings be if she had chosen some other non traditional relationship?
Yeah in the old world where a little elbow grease was all you needed to afford a house, this would have been a coward’s move and creepy as hell.
Now, it beats the pants off of most jobs. Which is all the evidence you need of how much of a failure society has become. This situation should be awful, but it’s pretty nifty by comparison.
This is the best comment ^
There’s nothing wrong with prostitution. At least when her boss dies she gets a payout.
When my boss dies, I’ll still be expected to drive across four cities to do a job that I could do 100% remote during the pandemic
I’d work on processing my feelings and sorting them into helpful to express, necessary to express, and unhelpful and unnecessary to express
Do you trust your daughter’s ethics and willingness to prioritize her happiness? If not that should be your concern, otherwise learning to trust her to leave if anything goes as wrong as it likely will is something to focus on.
Regardless of everything, therapy is probably a good call for you. It’s not just for the mentally ill, it’s also a resource to help deal with it when life throws you a curveball.
I don’t know how I’d deal with it but I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing given the chance, at least at that age. Does she realise that 65 isn’t all that old? He could have decades left in him. Most of my grandparents have lived into their 90s.
She does. And she actually likes him, money was the main reason but it wasn’t the only reason. She said she wouldn’t marry an insufferable person or a vegetable. This man is extremely active, both physically and mentally. I don’t think she’s waiting for his death. Plus he already spoils her to no end now, while he’s alive.
she actually likes him, money was the main reason but it wasn’t the only reason
You kind of buried the lede here by not including this info in the main post.
Sounds like your daughter is just being honest. Honest, open communication is important for a successful relationship. There’s all sorts of reasons for sparking the initial interest/attraction, but what is important is that the relationship has more bones than the initial spark, which it sounds like it probably does.
My wife caught my eye because she literally caught my eye. That doesn’t mean I’m only with her for her looks just because that was the initial reason for my interest.
As others have said, the main concern here is that she needs to ensure that she has her own financial security separate from him so she is not trapped or up shit creek if his finances go away for any reason.
Beyond that, the age difference can affect power dynamics and expectations within the relationship. That’s less your business, more between her and him. It takes a lot of open discussion and willingness to compromise and work with each other.
My wife is somewhere around 15 years older than me. We started dating when I was past college but younger than 25. Just barely within the half plus seven window. We have differing opinions on acceptable levels of cleanliness/organization, and how household chores are to be split up. It also doesn’t help that I didn’t have nearly as long of a time living on my own before moving in with her. But with a lot of discussion and patience on both sides we make it work.
This is interesting and I think it sounds like they are in a better scenario than others who marry for money. I’m glad she actually likes him as well. It’s certainly odd, but it seems like both of them benefit from the partnershipand both seem to be open about it. While unusual, it seems healthier than other types of these relationships where it isn’t clearly stated.
I will say like the one other user said…make sure she has a way that she could support herself in the event he leaves her or something.
As long as both parties acknowledge what kind of relationship it is, and she gets what she wants out of it, I think I would be able to accept it. Doesn’t mean I would like it, though.
how do you manage?
I’m relatively conservative, so probably a blend of bonds and market tracking index funds.
Be sure to wring the old fart dry
mmmm, wet farts, sharts if you will
How much money we talking? 65 and spritely could well mean 25 years or more of marriage
I don’t know the exact net worth, but enough to have 2 “main residences” in Alpine NJ (most of the time, he hates city congestion) & Upper East Side (to stay when there’s work in the city, things like that), summer home in Sagaponack + at least 7 other homes I’m aware of. Flying exclusively private. That kind of wealth.
Your daughter could likely follow her dreams now.
That’s enough to not worry about money again. As long as he treats her well and she’s happy, then you and your husband should do their best to support her and her choices.
You’re her parents, she doesn’t need undue stress from y’all. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, just try to understand, support and love her.
Holy fucking shit. Bruh. Just… goddamn. I’m pretty sure my parents would be over the moon if I was wanting to marry someone like that, regardless of intentions. Furthermore, it sounds like they’re clear on what her feelings are and things like that. It’s totally possible that he’s looking for an heir which is why her attraction to his wealth isn’t something he has a problem with (he’s already planning to give it to her and/or any children she might end up having). It’s also possible (as someone else pointed out) that it may be more kinky and saying she is marrying him for his wealth is an easier (or less awkward) explanation. Regardless, however, it sounds like it’s consensual.
I think the way I’d handle it is to voice my concerns just to make sure she’s thought of what might happen. When you do so, make sure she understands you’re not rejecting her, but trying to make sure she’s thought everything through; and that you need some reassurance yourself that she’ll be okay. Explain that you care about her and you don’t want anything bad to happen to her, and that’s why you’re so concerned. Then let her go and be there for her if things go south. Ultimately, she’s an adult and you can’t stop her from living her own life. At least it sounds like this path will ensure she (and any children she might have with him) will live a good life.
I’m actually kinda jealous lol.
That’s certainly reason enough for most people. So long as there is some actual spark then what’s not to love? You may well still get grandchildren and he’s unlikely to be seen much. The age gap certainly fails the creepiness test, but no crimes are being commited and both are entering into it with good faith. You may well struggle for some time, but for the good of all - button that beak and smile
