I haven’t spoken to my father for about 13 or 14 years now and I couldn’t care less
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It’s been about 8 years since I spoke to my parents, and about 12 since I spoke to my younger brother. They were all different forms of abusive, addicted, and mentally ill, and life without their bullshit is so much nicer. I don’t have to listen to tirades about how my interests are wrong, or how I didn’t turn out to be the perfect daughter. I don’t have to pretend to accept apologies that are only to make someone else feel better. And I don’t feel pressured to make sure that my mother isn’t feeling hurt or put out by something I do that literally has nothing to do with her.
It was rough for the first few months, but I’d already grieved for the relationships that I wished I’d had and never got. I’m a lot happier without them, and much more able to care for my mental health now.
I still have tons of trauma from growing up in that environment, but the freedom immediately after I cut them out was astounding.
I can indulge my hobbies without getting vitriol. I don’t come home to someone calling me stupid or threatening violence.
I’m not as “successful” as someone without my upbringing might have been–a lot of traits that make someone successful were broken in me early since I have a strong response to stress of any sort (I react automatically as if ANY stress is a survival thing of life or death and my defense mechanism to flee pops in which screws things up), and my life experience has shown me that other people are chaotic and untrustworthy and that it’s unlikely I’ll get any reward for toeing their lines or rules, but on the other hand, I also broke the cycle of abuse that my other family members who didn’t spend a lot of reflective time picking apart their trauma still continue on with.
So by the measure of “not being an abusive asshat”, I’ve been successful. And it sounds like that’s a low bar, but when your early experiences ONLY have examples of neglectful or abusive asshats, it takes a lot to walk away from it and not do the same thing you watched and learned from as you grew up. You basically have to be contrary to everyone and everything in your world to break free, and it’s hard since humans aren’t wired like that, they’re wired to conform.
So yeah. I’m not in the most wonderful place ever, but I think things would be IMMEASURABLY harder if I had to deal with my flaws now AND, on top of that, abusive and neglectful family dragging me down too. And I’ve had some wins, mainly that I’m not a cruel person.
Cut out my mother a few years ago and I’m doing pretty great. No more anxiety at family gatherings or random guilt tripping phone calls. It’s amazing the behavior you recognize when you’re no longer subject to it.
She was/is very manipulative and I’m hoping that my siblings eventually figure it out too. Two of them are firmly on her side while the other 2 remain neutral. I’ve explained to them my situation and they’re all old enough to do with that information as they will.
There’s no chance for reconciliation and I’m ok with that. This is the most I’ve been at peace in my life, so no regrets.
This sounds eerily like my exact situation. It’s only 3 other siblings for me though. I’ll have to see her in roughly a month at my sister’s wedding though. Kinda nervous, not gonna lie. But as you said I’m more at peace than I’ve ever been. Wife, kids, and I are all solid and growing together without that toxic cycle weighing us down anymore.
Not really my own family member, but my best friend’s birth mom we all cut out because she was being controlling even though she was “supposed to” have a minor role in everything, and we drew the line at her trying to invalidate his and his mate’s union. We’re doing awesomesauce now.
Sister. I’m doing fine. She is too stupid to understand disability and relate to people outside of her tiny bubble. I have nearly eliminated conflict from my life as a result. I wish I could have done this as a child. I had no clue how toxic she was. I thought it was just a girls thing.
Pretty fuckin sweet i gotta say
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Sorry to hear that. I hope it gets better.
TLDR; Great. Better every day. Learn how to know who you can trust.
Had to cut out my wife’s brother and sister-in-law (SIL) about 18 years ago. SIL was manipulative and controlling. Brother would mostly get bad news from SIL and lies about my wife and I.
For a long time we went along with it, until after several failed attempts for my wife and her brother to reconcile, I had to draw the line.
Wife came home shattered again because her brother did something hurtful when she had already accepted the blame for something SIL did.
Wife’s other sister called (who is actually a sane, intelligent, kind human being) accusing me of preventing my wife from being in contact with her brother. I calmly asked her if she really thought I was the kind of person that would (or could) stop my wife from talking to her own family. After a few angry moments she calmed down and I asked her “why did you think I would do that?”. Her answer: “SIL said you did.” I told her “Call my wife. Ask her if I ever told her she couldn’t talk to anyone.” Then I proceeded to tell her what her brother had done and SIL’s lies. Now she’s on my side.
SIL was blowing up my phone at work, and during my drive home. I know what she wants. I ignore her while I try to calm down, spoiler alert: it doesn’t help much.
I get home before my wife and I call SIL. We have words. Loud angry words. I tell her never to call again. Ever. Loudly and with finality.
Wife comes home towards end of the call. I’m literally shaking with pure rage, which I’ve never done before or since.
It took some time for my wife to really accept that as long as SIL is alive and married to her brother, she can’t have a relationship with him. He will always, always be SIL’s meat puppet.
I didn’t have to do anything beyond reminding her of their last meeting to prevent her from trying to reach out.
Wife has been better every day since we cut ties. If you, or anyone you know is connected to one of the toxic personalities, I implore you to learn how to know who you can trust.
If someone hurts you more than helps you, cut them loose. You don’t have to do it angrily or loudly like I did, but however you do it, know that life without those people is better than life with them.
I just want to say thank you for taking up for your wife like that.
Appreciate the kind words. I suppose It’s not as common as it should be.
Wow. How do you ya’ll handle family get-to-gethers and holidays?
It was hard at first, mainly because we didn’t know how to handle it. Ultimately we had to let everyone else know what we did and why. Easier said than done.
We told them we wouldn’t be coming to any event where they would be present and stuck to our decision. This was the hardest part. We also had to let them know we were okay with it if they still wanted to have a relationship with her brother and SIL, and ended up having our own separate get togethers with other family members.
Took some time to get everyone onboard. Once we did, others started seeing what her brother and SIL were doing.
Wife had to remind them not to mention her brother or SIL. Not to forward any messages and not to give them our phone numbers, email addresses or mailing address.
Looking back, it wasn’t apparent how bad things were when we were in the middle of it. Now I wish we had cut ties right after we were married.
In my opinion, no amount of family pressure to meet is worth exposing ourselves to the toxicity her brother and SIL could dish out.
Her family wasn’t there when my wife would cry at night after her brother did or said something hurtful. I was.
Her family didn’t work for weeks to cheer her up when her SIL lied to another family member causing an upset. I was.
At the end of the day, members of your family are either going to support you or tear you down. If they don’t support you, they are enemies.
It doesn’t mean you have to engage in a fight. You can win by simply withdrawing completely.
They win when they upset you. Your despair literally encourages them to continue upsetting you.
Don’t communicate. Don’t give in. But also, don’t hold a grudge. You can forgive someone without falling into the same trap that got you in a bad place.
You have a right to surround yourself with people who will support your goals.
Tell the family members that support you that you appreciate your support. Don’t let anyone make light of their actions.
It doesn’t matter if ‘they had a rough upbringing’ or ‘they have a hard life’. It’s not an excuse, and it’s not a reason to let them get away with it. Lots of people had a “rough upbringing” and a “hard life”, but they don’t tear others down to make themselves feel better. Family members who can’t see this may also be problematic to associate with, because they can’t see the problem.
If you can’t see the problem, you’re bound to contribute to it.
You get to choose who you spend your time with.
You might be related, but you don’t owe anyone control over you.
You are your own person.
It was one of the greatest decisions we have ever made. We cut out my wife’s parents and siblings. They’re all raging narcissists and cutting the toxicity has greatly improved our lives. Our only regret is not doing it sooner.
Cut my dad out a few years ago. Every now and then I hear something that makes me want to call and rage at him. But it’ll never be worth the agony of knowingly letting him back into my life, the memories that I’m finally starting to get over.
I have a father in law and a boss who have shown me what a fatherly figure could be, and I’m shocked every time something goes wrong and it’s not the start of the round bell ringing.
My boss is going to die sometime in the next year, is his third time through cancer and he’s not pursuing heavy treatment, I’ve known him for 3 years and I’ve already cried more at the thought of not having him going forward, I’ve not shed a single tear after cutting my dad out. I’ve shed tears learning of the things he used to do, and tears wishing I’d spoken out.
If there’s someone toxic in your life, and you have a group of people who understand you, that you trust, understanding and trust go so much further than manipulation anxiety and fear.
There’s a weight that hasn’t been pressing down on me for roughly three years. I’ve grown in so many ways as well. It was a great decision that’s only improved our immediate family group in almost every way.
That being said, my sister I have maintained contact with is getting married soon. And those I’ve cut out will be there. Little bit nervous about that and hope they don’t cause a scene at the wedding. I offered to bow out but she doesn’t want that. Our narcissistic sister (that she made her maid of honor) froze her out and refused to talk to her for two weeks when she found out was going to the wedding.
I cut off contact with my narcissist father and stepmother about 8 or 9 years ago. I had previously cut off contact for a year or two at a time, but would feel guilty and reconnect and nothing changed. This time it’s permanent.
Since then, my mental and emotional health has vastly improved. I have accomplished more in these years than in all the previous ones. I now have a great writing gig and life isn’t perfect, but it’s better now than ever before. If I ever did speak to them, the only thing I’d say is, “I couldn’t have done it with you.”
Been 20ish years since I’ve talked to my dad. So long ago that I don’t really have emotions about it anymore… It just is what it is.
I don’t ever remember being like angry or vindictive or whatever when I ended it… It was more recognizing that this person is a train wreck and the relationship with them does more harm than good. It’s not worth the effort. It has always been about protecting my mental health more than it has been punishing his shitty behavior.
Good. My uncle was addicted to gambling. Would sell family heirlooms, steal from other family members, and lie to cover his tracks. We all cut him out and it’s better not having him in our lives.
