Don’t forget the inevitable “3 months ago we were made aware of a breach of the BONTO! servers. What information was taken? Bet you’d like to know wouldn’t you. What have we done about this situation? Fuck you, that’s what.”
BUT . . .But. To make it up to you we’ve also sold your info to a “Privacy Lock” company who will sell you something imaginary for as long as you pay them. That’ll totally fix it.
3 months later; privacy lock company is breached
Oh it was an Eastern European shell this whole time and they have my social security number for some reason
23 and Me customer here, and I couldn’t relate more. When I reached out to support to ask what data was stolen and how much they were planning on compensating me for having my genome leaked to the web, their answer was basically “We have no idea what you’re talking about. lol fuck you”
*Your 2FA login code for SLORP
*Your password reset link for SLORP
*Your password reset link for SLORP
*You have (2) new messages from other SLORP users
*There has been a login attempt from a new device on SLORP
*Your SLORP password may have been compromised
I always get 4 fucking emails when I login into firefox on a new device
Don’t forget the 4500 emails suggesting you upgrade to slorp pro-premium-plus-max
You make fun of this but I really had bonto pro-premium-plus-max and it comes with many benefits like not getting these mails anymore
Then when you finally upgrade to premium plus max lifetime, the acquisition happens and lifetime licenses get cancelled.
“You have 17 messages in your Slorp-box! Click here to log in”
“Loser McDouchebag from high school recently Slorped! Click here to read it!”
Click here to unsubscribe from Slorp marketing emails. First log in. Forgot password? Click here to reset. Hmm, doesn’t appear to be a user account with that email address. Create an account? Check your email for the activation link. Confirm your contact information. Consent to tracking cookies? Manage notifications. Unsubscribe from all? We’re sad to see you go!
You could just do the “report spam” if the unsubscribe link doesn’t immediately work.
Yeah, the CAN-SPAM act, as far as I understand it, doesn’t allow them to force you to make an account just to unsubscribe.
It’s surprising how often they don’t comply. I think for while adobe was asking me for a login to unsubscribe, which I couldn’t remember or be bothered to reset the password for. They seem to have changed it recently. Maybe a lawyer realized they were exposed to class action
I always report spam without unsubscribing. It fks up their score with google.
That, and there’s a high likelyhood the only thing the unsubscribe button would do is giving the spammers the valuable information that this email address is actually in use.
/> reset password
“hmm, there doesn’t appear to be a user account with that email address”
/> Makes new account
“User account with that email exists. Reset password?”
Try password
Incorrect credentials
Reset password
Fill in the password you want
Password can’t be the same as previous password
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
Fill in the new password
Password must contain at least one special character
Fill in the new password
Password cannot contain @
Fill in the new password
Password must contain at least one number
Fill in the new password
You have attempted too many attempts at resetting your password and are now locked out of your account. To unlock your account please call 1-800-FUCK-YOU between 8:32 and 9:46 AM Eastern time.
Every goddamn time…
☐ I would like to be contacted for marketing purposes
Next day…
Here’s that marketing email you requested!
Remember when email was useful? I remember when it was magical!
Time for a story from the ancient times. I had this idea and asked my professor for advice. He said he knew a person on the other side of the world who would know all about it. “This is his ‘email’ address.”
I had never heard about ‘email’ so I needed to learn what it was and how to send one. I wrote my message and off it went. The very next morning I had a reply. One of the best experts on a topic I was keen about had shared their thoughts from the other side of the world, just like that.
In that time, a long time ago as you’ll appreciate, that interaction was magical.
In an instant I understood the power of the Usenet. A while later and with a couple of additional protocols they started calling that the Internet.
I remember in like 1997 or so, my friend’s dad got VoIP working on his computer, and we would talk to random people from around the world. I still have fond memories of my first conversation. It was someone in Australia! All the way on the other side of the planet, and we were talking in real time, FOR FREE! I’ve been a computer nerd ever since.
I had a similar but very different experience. At the beginning of COVID my buddy and I got our ham radio licenses.
One of my earliest contacts was a guy in Japan, over 6000 miles away! Nothing between us but some wire strung up in a tree, and a couple of radios. Using the ionosphere to bounce our signals around the world.
So. Stinking. Awesome.
I’ve been hooked ever since.
It’s funny because it’s almost the opposite of your story, you were using the amazing new technology and infrastructure to make the trip. These days we take that very infrastructure for granted.
It’s fun to try doing it with as little infrastructure as possible!
What time were you talking to the guy in Japan? I live in Japan and am (very slowly as technical and legal japanese are hard) working on my HAM license and would love to chat with my dad in the US eastern time zone. Still not 100% sure about propagation and other such. Thanks!
Heh, that’s nostalgia. I always wonder what the young people of today’s equivalent will be. Probably something quantum.
The pre-Google YouTube is probably the closest thing I can think of. And just a time before when everything about the Internet was about profit.
Back when Google were cool.
I’ll admit that I didn’t really get YouTube when I first heard of it. I think justin.tv was the thing that made me realize there was something there, even though I only watched it all of about twice. Then again, I thought music CDs were a scam for the longest time. I’m old.
Google was the absolute coolest for a while. It’s a damn shame what they’ve become. Fuck you Sundar Pichai, you racist piece of shit!
There is no equivalent, because it’s not new, and even if it was, it’s monetized and manipulative. The internet back then was wide open, free as fuck, and completely new!
I was specifically referring to the ability to communicate in writing at that speed. I guess the telegraph technically existed as well, but it was expensive and awkward.
And couldn’t reach across oceans, required special training, and only accommodated short messages because of the tedious nature of signaling.
You could definitely send telegraphs overseas, and sending or receiving them required no training.
and sending or receiving them required no training.
If you mean paying someone to send them, then sure. But it required learning Morse code, and learning to use a keyer.
You couldn’t send them overseas until after
the invention of radio. Before that the signal traveled along a wirethey laid the transatlantic cable.The first transatlantic telegraph cable was laid down in 1854 and radio waves weren’t even theorized until 1873… https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transatlantic_telegraph_cable
Business contaminates everything useful with endless appeals to your attention.
I remember when Slorp was Qooble.
Man I miss good old Qooble.
Qooble took a shit after it bought up Aoyel
They went too big too soon. The real nail in the coffin though was the merger with Floop.
“Thank you for your pre-paid lifetime subscription to Slorp! Unfortunately, after the acquisition by BONTO!, we have made the difficult decision not to honor these Slorp Platinum accounts going forward. But please enjoy a 15% discount on your first month of BONTO! Premium+! (Have you seen our stock price?)”
(Have you seen our class action?)
I’d argue that email is as useful as regular mail. I get about 2 letters a year written by a person. The rest is bills and marketing.
Email is basically a central notification hub for users, and I’d much prefer that than having to log into each specific app to be notified of things.
Love these anti-features
Linkedin also send you emails even if you repeatedly turn them off
Last I checked LinkedIn doesn’t even have a way of straight up turning all emails off. I had to individually turn off email notifications on bazillion categories. …Then they just invented more categories.
Add it to your spam filter. Have it auto forward the email to LinkedIn’s customer support email with a request that they stop if you wanna be extra.
Honey, I live to be extra.
Ooo baby, extra is my middle name
Click. Report spam. Just as it deserves.
You forgot the part where BONTO leaks user information, and now you get a torrent of spam…
signs into portal
ding!
“New sign-on to Grek Ultra Product Manager Plus!”
Why is this the default
“Security alert: Login from a new unknown device!” - it’s the same computer on the same network as the previous 300 logins!
How dare you use a browser that doesn’t let us track the fuck out of you! Delete cookies and cache every time!?
You deserve this.
ie. Fuck you for deleting our cookies
That automatically expires after 30 days anyway. So even if you didn’t do it, we did.
Slorp has detected that you haven’t opened our emails for a long time. It’s very important to slorp that you keep your contact information updated. Please login Here to verify your slorp account details.
– the fact slorp gets upset that I have tracking pixels disabled so they can’t monitor my email usage is one big reason they can go slorp themselves
Hold up, tracking pixels? What the fuck is that and how do I disable it.
make sure your email client has loading external images disabled.
I have a 100 gb Google storage just so I don’t run out of email space. Even if you aggressively unsubscribe from shit, there’s just waaaaay too much emailing in general by companies.
I once bought four items in a single order from Amazon. They shipped all items separately, which meant I got four shipment mails, four DHL ‘it’s underway’ messages, four ‘it’s being delivered today’ messages and four ‘your item has been delivered’ messages by DHL. Oh and to round it out: four delivery confirmations from Amazon.
All told, that one four-item order meant 21 separate emails. There HAS to be a more efficient way to handle that.
Even with snail mail, I’ll routinely get the same two letters delivered to the same address on the same day - one for me and one for my wife.
Just the laziest printing/mailing imaginable even after this being junk mail, but nobody seems to care.
And if you have a short email address, you either get #1 for a lot of strangers’ accounts at places which check the address, or #2-6 for different strangers’ accounts at places which don’t…
