Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?
I’ll add to this with the constant “look at this thing on my phone.” It is so obnoxious.
I hhaaaaate looking at things on his phone. We don’t find the same stuff funny and I hate videos. I’ve got the joke after the first five seconds, please don’t make me watch 8 minutes of this.
your post has just illustrated to me how blissfully uncommon it is that anyone ever tells me to “come here”.
I can’t tell you the last time someone said it. I’m sure it’s not super long ago but I don’t remember a specific circumstance.
There have been differently phrased instances, though:
“hey, can you have a look at this for me please?”
or
“i’d like to show you something”
or
“i need your help with something”
or
“i want to go over something with you when you get a chance” while implying by nodding toward the hallway out of earshot from the others in the office
etc.…
jordan howlett does it on his youtube shorts though i guess? but that’s not to ME, that’s to the whole audience. and he zooms in with his phone camera. freaking love that guy.You’re not alone. My wife does this all the time, usually by text, which is even more annoying since we’re always within earshot of each other.
I think it bothers you (and me) because it’s akin to someone ringing a bell for their servant. It doesn’t value your time at all to simply call you over with no context.
Once in a while? Fine. Always? That’s just being disrespectful.
I’ve simply resorted to “what is it?”, “I’m busy right now” or “I’ll come later”, and that usually ends up with a “never mind”, so I know it was never something important enough to stop what I was doing.
If your wife is using text instead of talking to you, I would consider that a sign of respect. At least this is why I text people I could just as easily talk to.
Texting is inherently asynchronous. Your wife is telling you, “This isn’t urgent. Read it whenever you get the chance.” If you’re in the middle of something, texting is less obtrusive than if they just started talking with you out of nowhere.
This is just my personal interpretation. Only you can decide if it makes sense in the context of your relationship.
If your wife is using text instead of talking to you, I would consider that a sign of respect.
Nah, she’s just super lazy. LOL
She knows I’ll be working, but I have to “come here” because “Can you bring up my water?”… literally just ask me to bring up water and save me two trips and 15 minutes to get back into what I was doing!
It’s a habit that needs to be deprogrammed.
I’m sorry if this comes off harsh, I think your response requires this question. Is your wife a computer or a person? She has her own set of feelings, thoughts, and needs that she could find difficult to communicate with you for some reason. You need to be certain you’re properly respecting the person you are in a committed relationship, that includes making sure she can properly communicate what she needs with you without feeling like an inconvenience or a chore.
I say all this because I’ve been there, I’ve treated people in my life like they were inconveniencing me and ultimately it ruined relationships. It’s not fun on the other end of that.
That’s an assertion of dominance. I would hate it.
For someone outside your home, I would agree with this. But for someone in the house, especially within earshot, I feel it’s the exact opposite. Just talk to me, use your words, and tell me what you want.
People being antisocial toward their own spouse getting up voted is a troubling sign.
Lemmy is deep internet, we all have issues.
“Come here” feels unnecessarily directive to me. Like you, I’d be annoyed too if someone tried demanding my presence like that. You’re not his to command.
My wife and I, if we want the other to see something, usually just say “Hey babe - check this out”, and the other feels comfortable saying “Hang on” if they’re doing something else. If it has some urgency, we’ll add context: “Hey babe - come see what this idiot’s doing in his car out the front”. If what we want to show is portable (eg. a video on our phone) then we go to them.
Next time, I’d just respond with “What is it?”.
That’s literally the same thing
Imagine not talking to your partner about this and instead posting online
It’s called nostupidquestions for a reason, my friend and judgment like yours prevents other people’s growth, however late that maybe.
I think you alone might need some counseling. Because that is not healthy. Just enjoy the fact that your partner invests time, thought and energy in you by showing you stuff.
I don’t think that’s the issue. Basically the OP doesn’t know what she is walking into (funny video, huge house/financial problem, or life threatening situation) and that is causing stress/resentment about the “come here.”
It’s definitely not “her alone” that needs counseling. Why doesn’t her partner just tell her what’s going on? Why the need to cause her so much stress so he can have a “big reveal”?
If he continues to do it after a serious conversation and her creating a boundary (eg, not going unless her partner tells her what’s going on), then they both need counseling.
There is nothing unhealthy about being annoyed when someone forces you to always come to them no matter what it is about again and again and again, instead of at least sometimes actively coming to you when they want to interact.
There’s no force. People don’t have to treat these things as commands. They are free to say “No”, or in this case maybe a “Why? I’m in the middle of something!”.
He says it repeatedly because it works. If it doesn’t work all the time he won’t do it as much.
It’s literally the opposite. The partner doesn’t even want to spend the effort to verbalize what it is they want to show. Instead, they ask OP to invest time and energy to “come here” for dubious returns. They’re not doing it for OP, but for the recognition they expect for “showing them stuff”.
Why wouldn’t you want to see the stuff that the person you like wants to show you? If you don’t want to go why don’t you just say “no”? Your partner isn’t a villain for wanting to show you stuff. They either wants to make your day a bit better, share something they like with you or they might need help with something.
Because I really don’t get why you have to be anxious about “going over there”.
why don’t you just say “no”
How could OP decide when they don’t even know why they’re supposed to go?
I really don’t get why you have to be anxious about “going over there”
Because OP has a life of their own? They need to stop whatever they were doing, physically get up, stare at whatever it is they’re supposed to stare at, and retreat again. OP isn’t a dog you can call to attention whenever you feel like it. How would you like it if I called you across the apartment repeatedly for no reason?
If the partner wants to show OP something, why don’t they get up? Why does OP have to expend the effort?
see ya
And she should ignore the obnoxious way he chooses to do it? What other things you propose sje should ignore?
How is it obnoxious to say “hey. Come here”?
Because she’s not a dog, and he doesn’t get to issue commands to her.
Even if it was “Hey, can I show you something?” that would be a bit better - it’s asking for her attention and presence rather than demanding it.
She still has the right to say “no”.
People have a tendency to “want to be nice”. If it’s not too demanding, we usually follow requests. You may be different (I say this without judgement), but most people don’t like to not follow request. Hence the “come here” feels like an order, even though, on the surface it isn’t.
On the surface it is an order. He’s using imperative sentence construction with no “please can you” and no question mark.
This is exactly how commands/orders are expressed in English.
“Do this” “Come here” " Go there" “Sit Down” “Give me 20 press ups”.
because we have an unreliable narrator. that is no smudge on the OP, just a frustration with some of this
I’ve actually been completely transparent and honest. He and I have talked about it many times. I guess I’m here to hear other perspectives so that maybe I can verbalize the situation better in a way he can understand. He doesn’t know why he does it and I have a hard time been putting into words why it’s so bothersome to me. And if you don’t have a cohesive point, do you really have a point? And with no point there is theoretically no problem.
you need to talk to your partner and go to counseling forthwith.
Not OP here, what do I do if this is my mother?
LOL wish I knew, because my mom makes this look silly. it would take three novels to explain. I went down to visit recently, and my sister and aunt were there, bless them, lovely people. Best advice I got is look out for those you care about. If you’re the only one left, then focus on you.
Talk to your mother and go to counseling, or don’t talk to your mother and go to counseling
Talk to them and go to counselling if it can’t be solved with a chat
Had the same problem with my mum and she did not take my complaints serious in the slightest. Especially with the pandemic, she got so used to just calling me whenever.
I’m not fully convinced this couldn’t be solved in a less nuclear way, especially if you don’t have my mum, but I ended up resolving that issue, along with many others, by moving out.
Depends roughly on how old you are. Take these age ranges with a grain of salt, but:
If you’re young, as in college age or younger, and still living under her roof, pick your battles but chances are excellent you’ll get up at least some of the time just to preserve the free or discounted rent situation.
If you’re between college age and retirement age, you’ll either work it out with her as a mostly-equal adult OR you’ll go fully passive-aggressive, sit-on-my-ass, you-come-to-me – until you move the fuck out. (Why are you still there, anyway? Setbacks are one thing, but if it looks like a forever thing, take a moment and reconsider your life choices.)
If you’re over retirement age, you’ll hop up like Almighty God herself was calling you, because now your mom is very old and very frail and very forgetful, and you REALLY don’t want to have the cops calling you because they just found her wandering around the intersection in front of the Walmart a couple miles down the road, so you hop off your ass NOW if you even think you hear her call out.
As a counselor, there’s very clearly some serious internalizing going on.
OP, you might want to start asking yourself questions like, “Why does it REALLY bother me so much?” No offense, seriously not attacking, but your post raises some concerning flags. Counselling may be a good recommendation, because it seems there’s more going on here than is being told.
This… doesn’t sound like something a counsellor would say.
kapow, you figured it out
I think it bothers me on a couple levels. 1- I feel he keeps me in unnecessary suspense and that’s unpleasant. 2- he participates in a lot of behaviours that are self satisfying. If I’m out he will call and ask what time I’ll be home and a thousand other questions no one else would ever ask, just because he was wondering, and he wanted those wonderings satisfied. It can’t wait until I get home, it must be the second he wonders about it. 3-he thinks I have the answers to all questions, and if I don’t know he expects I’ll be the one to find the answer instead of just googling it like a normal person.
I’m annoyed because it’s constant and habitual and anything that repeats that you find mildly annoying 5x a day for 15 years will inevitably become infuriating instead. Imagine if someone just poked you in the side 5x a day for 15 years. It doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t really affect your day. It’s just annoying and pointless. But after a while you’ll just snap and scream “why the fuck are you poking me ! Stop touching me!”
It’s like that.
Maybe ask him to switch it up? “Come check this out” for something interesting, “Come here” for something he needs help with (broken glass, for example), and “I need you, now” for emergencies.
As far as the “wondering” questions go it seems like part curiosity, part control. My dad used to do it to my mom sometimes (he has super early signs of dementia), but my mom shut it down with: she’s her own person and she’s not going to stop living her life and reporting to him when he gets anxious that she’s not home. It may sound cruel but he’s also not calling/texting randomly when one of her church meetings goes longer than expected. This one is more like setting boundaries for when you want to be autonomous without having to worry about answering him immediately.
Side note: I’m just a musician, not a therapist, so take what I say as you will.
As a counselor, of course YOU’LL recommend counseling. Which in this case is maybe a good idea, but also, it’s totally normal for spouses to have pet peeves with one another and it doesn’t necessarily indicate an issue in the relationship.
Source: married for 25 years
Nono, you got it wrong. They need to have counseling AND hopefully a divorce ASAP. OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.
Don’t forget to lawyer up
Oh no, r/RelationshipAdvice has made its way to Lemmy
Now that we’re free from Reddit’s shackles we should up the ante, we need a new relationship ending mantra. Like “delete your hard drive, hire a mercenary squad, and hit the Instagram filters.”
OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.
Well, it’s safe to recommend those to anybody. Also drink plenty of liquids, preferably water, and don’t forget to breath.
Come on, it’s obvious why it bothers them so much. As it should, that’s extremely annoying. If the partner wants to show something, they can come over to you, not call you.
I think I get it, and maybe I’m wrong but it could be that you find it annoying because you don’t know how to set up boundaries.
Basically if someone tells me to come here without telling me what’s all about, and I don’t want to go all the way there- I don’t go. I just yell back at them, “what is it?” Until they tell me. If they don’t, I don’t go. If they insist, I can explain I’m either busy or don’t feel like moving my lazy arse for something I don’t know what is it about.
This. Learn to set boundaries for something that stresses you out
When I was growing up, my mom would do this all the time. My approach was mostly the same, she would shout, “Come here!” and I would request a reason. Most of the time she said she needed help and it would turn out to be nothing.
As I got older, I realized she was actually trying to connect with me because I was distancing myself. I don’t know if this is also what’s going on with OP and partner, and I won’t assume that’s the case. Sometimes people don’t know how to properly vocalize when they’re lonely and want to spend time with you.
It took me a while to realize how fundamentally important boundaries were to my mental health and well being. It’s super simple, so its often overlooked. It solves many many issues.
This is a good point. I try to set boundaries and unfortunately he’s committed to the “big reveal”. I know he’s one of those people who likes to “share” life. If he sees something fascinating, he wants me to experience the same fascination so it’s like a surprise. If it’s bad he wants me to feel the same horror he felt when he saw it. Warning me would negate the reveal. We have talked about it frequently and he doesn’t know why he does it, he understands how it could be stressful for me, but can’t seem to break his pattern.
At some point it becomes a question of whether or not he’s willing to change his behavior to make you feel better. Some sort of empathy/kindness thing. Even if he didn’t understand why it frustrates you, an empathetic person would change their behavior since it doesn’t inconvenience them all too much to, for instance, send a picture of the thing via text messaging to you.
Another thing to consider: Is the happiness he gains from “sharing” life greater than the frustration you gain from walking all the way over to see whatever it is?
I like some of the other suggestions better than this but if you’ve already tried communicating about it and other things haven’t worked, I wonder if for some cases you could convince him to take a video or a picture. Like, if it’s a cool thing he wants you to see instead of interrupting you record it and share it when you’re available instead of right now, interrupting you. Again, I think the other proposals are better but I wonder… if you’re right about the motivation at least sometimes being just wanting to share something it might be worth attempting.
Yupp fully on board with this one - set solid boundaries
No, that’s annoying. If he’s a reasonable sort he’d be willing to recognize that too. However, fixing this kind of simple, ingrained-from-childhood habit is a pretty epic amount of effort, and I can all but guarantee he’s mentally weighing whether the effort (probably weeks to months of it) will be overall less annoying than whatever the bad habit is costing you.
Also worthy of note that he’s probably going to severely underestimate how much it actually does cost you, because it’s not necessarily strictly logical, it’s a conditioned response that built up over time.
Worth having a serious chat about imo.
We have talked about it a lot. He recognizes it’s a weird behaviour but he can’t break the habit, so the childhood thought tracks. And I also think you’re right about the effort bit. He’s lazy by nature. If something needs doing and he doesn’t know how, he just shrugs and says “I don’t know how”. But when you’re a couple, and something needs to be done, anything shrugged off by #1 becomes the responsibility of #2. Which means instead of him having to learn it, I have to. Just google it dude. Watch a youtube video, like I’m going to when you wash your hands of it. It’s easier for me to learn something new than it is for him to learn something new which is bollocks. The only reason it’s easier is because it’s not his effort. Somehow in his mind learning something new is too hard on his part, but takes zero effort on mine. Like, what?
To be fair, they don’t really cover bad habit-breaking in high school. College either sometimes, depending on course of study. They probably do in the military, but most people don’t enlist.
The information is out there though, perhaps you could find him a useful reference material that isn’t too long and covers a basic, evidence-based technique.
I can see how this would be exhausting after a while. I get a “come here” from my wife every couple of days or so when my daughter is doing something cute, or something weird is happening outside. It’s generally reserved (for the most part) for something fleeting that’s worth coming there to see.
As Tyrone from Trailer Park Boys would say, “You’re sayin’ “come here’” too many times! 80 or 90 times? That’s too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?! That’s too many “come heres”, know’m sayin’? That’s too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times?”
you are a dangerous dog, to bring TPB in here.
I’m not sure I got the message Tyrone is trying to tell. Could you have him say it 77 or 87 more times?
This sounds like a you problem that can only be resolved by talking to him about it. Maybe a counselor or therapist if necessary.
Yeah, kinda sounds like the husband may just be unaware of what’s ticking OP off. Even if they show displeasure, if they don’t properly verbalize it, they may just be annoyed at the subject matter, rather than how the husband is calling them.
Some people, like me, are daft as hell and need some things to be spelled out for them.
as a boyfriend i talk like this too, i don’t think my girlfriend bothers, but i never thought about it, yes, she need to talk to him cos he never gonna know
Oh no I have verbalized it. He acknowledges it’s inappropriate and keeping me in unnecessary suspense. But he doesn’t know why he does it so … shrug. He even apologized for it last night as soon as i said something about it (raccoons just sitting on the roof). It was 1am and I was dead asleep and he called me on my phone to wake me to come outside right away and see this. A 1am urgent call from outside the house when I’m dead asleep should be about someone being dead, not “there are two raccoons sitting on the roof of our sunroom.”
totally unforgivable. i would absolutely not stand for what you’ve described.
i have read all of your responses herein and i keep thinking how glad i am to not be married.
I’ve heard other people complain about this behaviour. The problem is that your husband is extorting a reaction from you. You are obliged to generate the reaction, out of politeness and respect for his feelings. There is a cost attached to this performance that you are bearing but not really much of a reward. I know because I’m doing it to my wife and she hates it. My daughter is doing it to me and I hate it. I should stop but torturing her like this is fulfilling some dark corner of my mind.
I should stop but torturing her like this is fulfilling some dark corner of my mind.
What the fuck my dude?
Why
Because you’re not the property of a huge baby
So I’m your husband and my wife is you. I can tell you the reason I do it is that it can be difficult for me to necessarily formulate exactly what I want to say about what I want to show you. I want to share whatever experience it is, but trying to explain exactly why stresses me out.
On the flip side my wife will just tell me what she saw after the fact and I’m left there thinking “…why didn’t you tell me to come look.”
No! You go over there!
